So Here is the Action I have Taken!

I found an NLP Coach shortly after the first post. I sought him out myself, no influence from my partner. He was great. I laid out my situation and he guided me, through hypnosis and by offering tools and mindful meditations that would assist me in tackling these demons. I had what I needed to use alone and then touch base.

To begin this process, he gave me a Goal Setting Exercise. 
I took my time with this, I dug deep and came up with my answers.

Question #1: What would you like to change?

My answer: 

I will change my outlook. I will eliminate the negative dark behaviours/attitudes/habits. 
I will change how I see myself and the world that I am in.
I will change the way I treat my best friend, lover and fan.
I will change my 'tone of voice', the shortness, the snappiness, the frustration.
I will be the best me not the worst me.
I will change any delusional beliefs I have about myself.
I will own my ADHD.
I will stop having to fool all of the people some of the time.

Question #2: Will the change benefit others in your life?

Everyone including myself.

Question #3: What have you tried to do in the past to make this change?

I have tried various methods. Some included trying to track daily successes in a journal, in terms of my demonstration of the desired behaviours. e.g. listened, thought, then spoke. Trust me, that one is huge for an ADHD guy.

I tried carrying an object that I wouldn't normally have in my hand to remind me to Think Before I Speak!!!

I found an ADHD coach online and tried working with her weekly over the phone. I tried to maintain an Intention Log and other exercises that I either resisted, resented or lost focus on. This of course led to more friction in my relationship.

Question #4: How do feel about your current situation?

Some of the time I am unaware of my situation! I walk around and I don't take stock of how dire it is.
Horrible
Worried
Hollow
Depressed
Anxious
Flat Lined
Dark
Futile

Question #5: How else does this affect you?

I see the cup half empty. I don't get excited about options or ideas. I lower my bar instead of raising it!
I look to my future and I draw a blank.
I want to 'run away'
I am not taking charge of myself and the challenges that I face.
I have no passion, goals, drive or fire in my belly.

Question #6: What emotions are present regarding your current situation?

Anger, frustration, worry, pain, impotency, tense, neutral, resigned, doubt, blame

Question #7: What has happened in the past that created the current situation or issue?

Undiagnosed for depression or/and ADHD until I was 50.
I allowed myself to be a victim, non-assertive, I couldn't create a career for myself.
I quit my acting career because I had to support a child. I stayed in hospitality work for too long. I built a second career leveraging my acting to Business Training/Entertainment but not enough to survive.
I found full time work during the tech bubble which ended.
A complete lack of mental strength to cope, deal and manage the demands of the two mother's of unwanted children from short term relationships 10 year apart.
I was unable to fit into the model that my family lives.(Married, children, etc.)
I drove myself into the ground trying to meet the needs of others.
I treated good people (my girlfriends) badly, instead of the correct parties that deserved it. (Not too mention abusing my friends by having them listen to my tales of wow.)
I would rather be deceitful that strong.
Even when I was able to be powerful or successful, these issues always chipped way at me.

Question #8: Do others say anything about the issues you have?

Yes. Past girlfriends, when we were fighting would bring up some of the issues I discuss here. My current partner of 7 years has identified and discussed all of my issues and more, and somehow miraculously helped beat the big ticket items: Kids, Family, Alcohol (not addiction) and work (still not resolved in a meaningful way) to help me get over my 'victim' status.

My family prefer not to get involved. 

Fast forward, I went to see my 80 year old Mother recently and lay out to her why my life has turned out the way it has, and could I negotiate an advance on my inheritance (to be adjusted later) to fund me for my entrepreneurial endeavours. This would take the pressure off of me.

She demanded to know who had told me about my ADHD, I explained that a pair of PhDs who do this testing for a living and gave me the results. She ignored this, moved on and turned me down. 

Question #9: When would you like this change to take place?

Yesterday

Question #10: Imagine the outcome of making this change. What does that look like, sound like, feel like?

It turns everything upside down.
I wasn't always without drive, desire or passion or even success.
So the changes that I make would restore these parts of me, plus I would look taller, more confident, more powerful, more attractive.
I would sound like a person who truly knows what he talks about, believes in,is passionate about and wouldn't mask things or be deceitful.
It would feel like love. It would feel easy, fun, interesting,curious, grateful, balanced, joyous... beautiful.

Question #11: What actions specifically need to take place to make sure this change takes place?

Kill, exercise, lobotomize the dark spirit within me. Release this 'Supervisor' (my left brain/Ego) that has taken charge of me and reinvent/release the best me that has been too weak to win.

Question #12: What obstacles stand in your way of success?

ME Myself and I! The habits of a lifetime. A lack of trust of me and my capabilities to live positively. Not taking responsibility for me actions/inactions.

Question #13: When did you decide you wanted your current situation to change?

Constantly in my last 25 years, plus especially the 7 years together with my partner. Last August 2012, and all the other times this year where the thought of losing my partner would kill us both. We had been to the brink too many times. This is why I quit alcohol for a year, went to the Boston ADD Clinic, talked and worked with a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist.

Question #14: What is required to from you to make this change?

To accept the past as the past. To release all of the negativity about it.Stop blaming/excusing others.
I have to take al of the responsibility to win.
I have to dig DEEP and do what is necessary, use the same strengths I used to get other wins in our relationship and apply them to all aspects of my life.
I must stop intellectualizing all of this and put into ACTION what I have expressed as my desires and my goals. 

Question #15: What are your expectations?

Anything that is a positive step is a step in the right direction. I expect to win. I expect to be a decent Adult by doing what is necessary. I have no room for the angry child.

The goals that I set must be believable, obtainable and realistic in order to be achieved. Therefore they must be:

SMART  Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time frame needs to be set
I believe that I can be that guy, the one in my early 20's who was unstoppable. I know I can obtain the control and do what is necessary to win this battle with myself and my challenges. I am willing to do what is necessary to save myself from myself. It is realistic that I can fix me.

Question #16: What is the date that the change will have taken place by?

I would like to say a month, by August 31st 2012

Question #17: What is the positive benefits this change will provide?

Peace. Love. Happiness. Control. Self-Management. Ideal relationships. Creativeness by myself and with my Partner. Be the team we imagined we could be. Give back all and more that my partner has invested in me and be that guy she saw through the blackness. The great me.

Question #18: Describe in vivid detail what that looks like, sounds like and feels like.

Success is doing something you love, that doesn't feel like work. That you would pay to do if you were not already doing so. This is how all aspects of my life will look like.
It would like the ice cream truck coming down the street. Everybody wants to run up to it and get some!
It feels like, by just waking up, that I already feel that I have done something good. 
It feels right to be doing what I am doing.  

Question #19: How will you know when this goal is achieved?

Having known and been these types of feelings before, I will know when they return.
The biggest measurement is that I will have difficulty complaining...If it is working, my partner will see it.
There is a rush I ge when I am in touch with my higher self and the Universal Intelligence/Spirit. 

Question #20: Is there anything else that achieving this goal will result in?

An amazing testimonial and undying gratitude to my mentor!

My Top 10 Things Broken in my Life

“It heals stronger at the break”, is my short version of what Ernest Hemingway wrote in his novel in 1929,  “A Farewell to Arms.”

For me, this reference is much more than the literal meaning. Its an inspiration to take action. The wise Yoda said, “Do or do not...there is no try.” So now, before it is finally too late, I must do more than TRY. I must embrace and acknowledge the horrible ADHD roadblocks anchored in my life and I must annihilate them... NUKE them...one by one...Once and for all!

In order to accomplish this, let me begin by giving you my TOP TEN list of “what’s broken” in my life. For all you ADHDers out there, maybe some of these will resonate with your own experiences. Send me a comment or a tweet and let me know. Join me in the battle toward ”healing stronger.”

10. Being irresponsible and allowed myself to let a person create a situation for me that I did not desire, that left me trying to cope with it for 20 years and failing. I further allowed this to lead to a life of negativity and pessimism.

9.  Being stupid enough to have a second situation like this happen with someone else, 11 years later, that left me unable to cope at all. This made me let my whole world, (what was left) collapse. 

8.  By not recognizing and fighting my ADHD sooner, I ended up bouncing from job to job, never settling into a career.

7. I compromised my career path by taking “lowering my bar” jobs to cover my responsibilities only. I lived basically to “cover my nut” as I was so fond of saying. I bought-in to this. I underachieved my potential.

6.  Not managing myself and as a result, venting and expressing anger and depression to the good people in my life, and not standing up for myself with the people I needed to stand up to. 

5.  Drinking alcohol in a way that was not beneficial for me. I am not an alcoholic, but the alcohol heightened the state I was already in, i.e. negative and pessimistic (most of the time). I also sneaked alcohol sometimes. This was unusual behavior for me. I was out of control.

4. Feeling obliged, or made to, rather than using my own free will, to make a choice to live a lifestyle similar to my family’s with no success. I felt trapped and a failure because I didn’t deliver what others seemed to pick for me. I was unable to “Man Up” and fight for what I wanted! Where was it when I needed it? Buried in the Moat of Negativity, the Wall of Stupid and the Bog of Despair.

3. Not taking control of myself and driving people who loved me, and were trying to help me, into the ground. Killing a great relationship by letting the Dark Side win.

2. Not finding the desire, the passion, the “Burning in my Belly” to go after what I wanted from life. It felt like each time I got some passion back, a setback  would be waiting. I was more comfortable in my negativity.

DRUM ROLL HERE... And the Number One thing most broken in my life ...right now...in addition to my spirit....

1. By not taking charge of my life, having nothing to show for basically any of my efforts for most of my life, in-spite of talent, intelligence, drive and desire. I allowed this to happen!

So, what do you think? Do any of these roadblocks resonate within you? Do you have a top ten “Broken” list? I would love to hear about yours. Feel free to leave a comment on my blog. Send me an @Tweet. 

I would like to create a community of support right here on this blog. In my next post I would like to share the “D Day” I had, when I confirmed my ADHD diagnosis. You’ll be surprised by the paltry amount of options I had for finding help.